Chalice In The Water

How does one measure the purity of one's actions? Pure will, desire, ethnicity?

If your gut tells you that what you have chosen to try to do is just a distraction to your goal, is it worth the risk?

I have made quite a few life-changing decisions knowing that with every risk I took was a chance for betterment and that I was headed in the right direction, but I have gotten a bit rusty on that skill.

I used to be determined and goal-oriented.

Now, I am just confused.

Confused about my choices. Confused if my actions were being hindered by my mere capacity or incapacity to function properly. Confused if my race or color had anything to do with everything.

I want this situation to be like cold water running intensely down the drain. A few drops of water-cleansing tablets and I will be crystal clear. It will leave stains. Chalice. At least, the water is potable as it will ever be.

But there are no water tablets. No chalice staining the tubes or the area where the water has been. No chalice as the only evidence that the water has been healthy enough to drink.

Nothing.

Just this gut-wrenching feeling of unparalleled uncertainty, and maybe insecurity because of my not-so-evident pure color...like that of water.

This topic made me thirsty, but there is none potable enough to consume. Maybe a cup of my favorite Tassimo Gevalia Espresso would do. For now.