An Overshadow's Cast

It was a time in my life where the only strength I had were of prayers and words, and I used it well.

Reading back to those entries, it made me realize how far I have gone, and how much pain there have been. It almost felt like a lifetime ago. In fact, half a decade ago. The nauseating part was realizing how much of the vibrance and confidence I had had also faded.

It almost feels like those words were not mine at all, an entirely different being. Back then, I wrote those words, and it gave me the flair I needed to get back on my feet and not lose sight of what should be. I read the same words this morning, and it reminded me of that spark. 

My words fail me nowadays, and it does not comfort me as it used to. I do not believe enough anymore: in myself, in my words. Maybe because my old self had strength, and persistence against contentment. 

Lately, all I did was be contented. Maybe it was age, because one has to learn how to calm down somehow.

The imminent pain is within. Before, I had the entirety of myself fighting against the flow of negativity around me. With the changes in culture, language, and people, I was forced to develop myself and almost lose my mind in the vast need of adjusting in. The only thing I am afraid of is that I end up never recovering from that.

There is struggle from all directions: against being stereotyped, against the norms. The fight to retain the right kind of knowledge where it should be kept flowing, even when there is never enough most of the time. Sometimes, even against racism. Can you believe that? At this age and time. 

My perspective is wider and more understanding than I thought I ever was, and I still fear that I might have probably lost myself in it. 

I always love a good challenge, and a lot has happened over the years. They changed me in an unfathomable sense I still cannot recover from, but I am in a happier place now. That part I am not complaining about. Then again, who said I was complaining in the first place?

And it's a sorry, frightful thing
when you want to cry, but you can't keep from laughing.

- Deb Talan, "Tell Your Story Walking"